Johnny Foreigner and Stagecoach have been a little too chummy for our liking recently; what with a joint UK tour through November and December and a split 7″ single to accompany it. Didn’t we all prefer the good old days of rock and roll, when it was band versus band? Who could forget Blur versus Oasis or…erm…Kanye versus Swift. In attempt to readdress this issue GFP decided to strip things back to basics and find out which band was the hardest. Or something.

So for the first ever time, we would like to proudly present… 

GoldFlakePaint‘s Ultimate Test Of Man! (N.b – not to be confused with a feature in a popular men’s magazine, despite it’s possible similarities) 


Have you ever had any sort of living creature in your mouth? 

JoFo: I’ve swallowed insects and kissed girls if that’s what you mean. But, like, I’ve never rented it out to Butterflies… 

Stagecoach: Some crazy little bugs and then there’s that urban myth that we eat ‘X’ amount of spiders a year in our sleep. I’d like to believe that as it’s kind of cool. So my answer is YES.

Winner: A score-draw here. Nothing conclusive or that impressive – get yourselves on ‘I’m A Celeb’ asap.

 Have you ever been sure that you were about to die? 


Stagecoach:Yes, when we played in France one time the crazy Parisian driver decided to do a U turn on a motorway. I think we all made a mess of our pants, nobody said anything to each other for the rest of the 3 hour journey. 

Winner: Hmmmm. I’m going to have to award this to Stagecoach for having an actual story. Damn those crazy continental drivers.

Have you ever fed yourself after killing your food first?

Jofo: No. Man fail. I’d do it but I’d have to make sure that I picked, like, the worst chicken. One who was really mean or rude or such.

 Stagecoach: Yes. I went trout fishing with my friend when I was 12 and caught a couple. My Dad made a trout Curry for dinner. Have you tried it? It’s dead nice.

Winner: Stagecoach win again due to Jofo’s MASSIVE MAN FAIL. Although fishing shouldn’t really count as there is nothing manly about it in the slightest and it’s well boring innit?

Have you ever cut down a tree, like what real men do?

Jofo: Yeah, but it wasnt a particularly impressive tree. I managed not to fall into my friends shed though, so I was happy. 
Stagecoach: Nope but when i was a kid i climbed a tree with my friend Micky in his Garden. Sadly it collapsed under our weight completely uprooting it. His Mum wasn’t best pleased when she got home from work. This story is worth half a point for sure. 
 Winner: Jofo claw a point back with some impressive chopping and shed-avoiding skills.

Has any animal ever nibbled on your private bits?

JoFo: Not since I was young enough to know not to wrestle dogs. 
Stagecoach: I’m pleased to say no (Touch wood this won’t happen) 
Winner: Another draw. We’re not sure if JoFo are saying it happened when they were little or not. Their unspecificness has cost them the chance of an all-important point, they’ll kicking themselves for sure.

Have you ever set any off your own body parts on fire?

JoFo: If accidently and hair counts, then frequently. If not, no. 
Stagecoach: No, but I used to love making flamethrowers with a can of Lynx and some matches. Being 12 was way cool, this kind of activity would keep me busy for a whole month….then I discovered Warhammer. 

Winner: JoFo! Hair and accidents definitely count, Kane from WWF got burnt by accident and he’s blates the manliest man on the planet. Although we would have award it to them anyway because of the Warhammer comment. Shame on you Stagecoach, shame on you.

Have you ever slipped a bit of alcohol into a baby so it would shut up and sleep? 

JoFo: I’ve been party to it. I was told that a bit of Brandy in the bottle is fine.

Stagecoach: No, but I’m now an Uncle and take baby duties very seriously. Natural methods only with my Family I’m afraid.

Winner: Jofo! They’re on a roll now and what better way to gain success than by plying an infant with alcohol?

Have you ever done the ‘brown business’ in someone elses toilet and not disposed of the evidence?

JoFo: No, I always flush until it’s gone and hang out awkwardly with myself in the toilet.

Stagecoach: Yeah this happens to everyone at some point, no?

Winner: Stagecoach are the winners here, mainly down to JoFo’s slightly obsessive loo-flushing personality traits though

Besides penny-sweets have you ever nicked anything substantial?

JoFo: Yeah and a year later I got caught for it. I got expelled from my school, arrested and nearly thrown out of home. Sore subject.

Stagecoach: Only Birthday cards… and a Cadburys Creme Egg when I had no money for dinner. It was the easiest thing in Smiths to pocket and tasty too. Chop is the thief of our band but it’s totally justified crime. His rules are ‘newspapers and bottles of water only’ – as nobody owns the news or the water so it’s his to take.

Winner: On another day Stagecoach would’ve done enough to claim the win but JoFo have smashed them out of the park there thanks to good old law-breaking. Who says it doesn’t pay?

*        *        *

So there we have it, pretty epic stuff I’m sure you’ll agree; we asked some questions, theose questions were answered and someone won. Wow.

The real winners here though are, of course, all of us lot. We were only kidding earlier, we actually love both these bands, and the fact that they’re teamed-up, and GFP can’t think of a better evenings’ entertainment than seeing both of them strutting their stuff on stage.

You can catch them at the following dates;


28 – Leeds Brudenell Social Club
29 – York Stereo
30 – Sheffield Harley


1 – Birmingham Flapper & Firkin
3 – Bristol Croft
4 – Manchester MohoLive 2
5 – Swindon The Vic
6 – Southampton Joiners
7 – Leicester Sub91
8 – Glasgow Nice N’ Sleazies
9 – Aberdeen Cafe Drummonds
10 – Dundee Doghouse
11 – Edinburgh Sneaky Pete’s

The split ‘Big Love In’ 7″ single is out now on Alcopop and you can order it here as well as Johnny Foreigner’s brand new EP “You Thought You Saw A Shooting Star But Yr Eyes Were Blurred With Tears And That Lighthouse Can Be Pretty Deceiving With The Sky So Clear And Sea So Calm” and, based on everything they’ve ever done ever, it’s sure to be as marvelous as that title suggests.


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